So we are nearing the end of the program. Only three weeks left really. It's both exciting and terrifying. I've never been so exhausted as a teacher, and I imagine it's because I truly have everything riding on this. These children successes or failures on this program are truly mine. There is no excuse if they are not at least on the same level as the other 9th graders at the school. It's funny, I used to take pride in my track record in standardized testing. Even when I was teaching regular (rather than gifted/advanced) 9th grade I had a reputation when it came to my kids' tests scores. While I have always felt that standardized and high stakes testing are not the best way and should never be the ONLY way a teacher is judged, I held those scores close to my heart as "proof" that I was a good teacher. It is funny to me how much pride (and therefore bravado and even arrogance) is involved in teaching. You really have to believe that you are truly the best and only person for the job, kind of like medicine (which I've had to do as a boy scout field medic at a summer camp) or law or even architecture. All fields where you have to be confident in what you are doing to pull it off... My dad used to tell me that military pilots (think Top Gun) were arrogant but that was a necessary thing as it takes down right arrogance to be able to "fly" through the upper atmosphere in a two ton (or more) metal tube (and be strapped in, no less). The point is, teaching is like that too. It's a huge put up job to stand in front of 30 (sometimes hostile) 9th graders and tell them you know enough to be the expert on a subject, an expert they must listen to in order to succeed in something. Further, to write a program, to buck the system, takes it's own brand or arrogance. In three weeks I put my money where my mouth is. This "money" will be quite public, no less. People are watching, not just the parents and administrators, but other teachers, school officials, and all the people who I've discussed this with, who wonder if I'm right or if I'm crazy....
The point of that ramble is Of Mice and Men. The kids started reading it today. First they watched the deeply dark and slightly unsettling episode, Born Under A Bad Sign. We discussed and focused on the idea of good and bad (or evil) versus right and wrong. Many people use these ideas interchangeably, but they are very different. Sam feels he is bad and therefore may need to be "disposed" of. Dean feels he may do wrong things, but he is not bad and is therefore redeemable (OK, it is both more simple and more complicated than that, but for the sake of this lesson, go with me.). The parallel is George and Lenny and whether or not Lenny is bad or wrong or both or neither. Also, the book is a great deal about hope (and what happens when it dies). Dean is Sam's hope, or Dean is representative of the hope that the problems the Winchester's face can be solved.
As I taught today, and my students discussed I found myself overwhelmed with this thought. Am I doing the wrong thing for the right reasons? If I am wrong a whole group of students could possibly miss out on skills and lessons they need to get through high school. There is hope, a whole lot of hope (and that is where the arrogance issue kicks in) and also practicality, I know how to teach, I know what needs to be taught and while some of the vehicles are different, driving is driving (metaphorically speaking) and I know how to drive and drive well, so....
Wow, I have really waxed philosophic at this point, haven't I?
Like I said, this semester has been exciting and terrifying and most of all exhausting. New things almost always are and there is a lot on the line here (and that not even including the most important part, the success of my students as learners of Language Arts). I am very tired (the kind of good tired, you get from working out for a marathon, but before you know for sure that you will be able to do that final run) and that is probably why I saw all these parallels in Supernatural, Of Mice and Men and my professional aspirations as an educational innovator. If my students can do that kind of critical thinking and connection making, then I've done my job.
I leave Wednesday night for Chicago and the NCTE annual conference.
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